And Gently Pull Out The Wings [entries|friends|calendar]

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.
- Before Sunset, Richard Linklater.

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[posted on January the 12th]
I'm at work and I hate everything. Mostly work. I'm tired. I'm dizzy. I'm nauseous but hungry at the same time. I know that I need to hang on for just 4 more hours. I only came in today to hand in my stat dec to get paid. I'm going to go and see the doctor for the first time in two years because of the dizziness. Most of all though I'm sick of work. I want to go back to Sydney and mooch off my parents for a while.

I took two days off work this weekend. About 30% feeling sick and the rest just not being bothered. Went briefly to Guy's leaving party and then went with Naomi and her friends to the Espy to see Vaudeville Smash. Almost left straight away when told that I'd have to wait 3 hours before they came on. In the end it wasn't too bad though, and Claire also came along.

Yesterday Jane was in town for her friend's hens party so we caught up for lunch. Funny how we haven't seen each other in seven years and it feels like nothing has changed, like fundamentally we're still the same people. She seems accomplished though, in a way that makes me feel like a child still ambling along hoping for direction. Not for the first time, I'm wondering if I made the right choice in going into nursing. Maybe it's just that time of the year again. My half yearly existential crisis.

I know that everyone else is miserable too. They're just better at hiding it.

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[posted on November the 12th]
All the elevators in the building are broken. My laundry is still in the dryer but I can't be fucked to walk down 12 flights of stairs, collect the two basketfuls of laundry, and climb back up 12 flights of stairs so...I'm just going to leave it until tomorrow.

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New mixer mum [posted on November the 7th]
Or rather, I bought the Bosch Mum5 kitchen mixer. An extravagance for me at $345 but I've been wanting one for ages. It's a bit noisy but oh well. Part of my love for it is the blender, which means that I can make my own smoothies now. As much as I adore the smoothie parlour around the corner, I can't justify $7.50 per cup of the delicious stuff so I'm resorting to making my own. Having said that, buying all the ingredients has cost me quite a bit.

Nonetheless, it's time for change. Today I went to put on a dress and found I couldn't zip it up, and this made me incredibly sad as I definitely was able to zip it up only four months ago.

Therefore it's going to be Smoothie Month for me from here on in.

(Which sucks because this was originally going to be Cookie Month)

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Top ten life stressors [posted on February the 22nd]
Moving house didn't used to be a stressful thing. I just packed up my things, put them into the car and drove off. How things have changed.

I finally went to get a good look at the new place. My new place. My apartment which I now own. It's still scary thinking about it. Suddenly I have no idea of how I'm going to design it. Today I went to get rid of the skirting boards so I could start to prime the walls for painting. Doing so, it quickly became apparent that it was not going to be an easy task. The skirting boards are very high and beneath them is dry wall that will need to be sanded back with some kind of industrial sander. I tried ordinary sandpaper and that wasn't making any difference. Now I have long ridiculously long pieces of skirting boards and paint chips everywhere, no electricity and no internet. There's water but it's only cold water.

Basically, it's not a job that I can do myself. I had this fantastical notion that it would only take me a few days to paint the place and now it's turning into a huge job that I'll have to spend money on. I'll need someone to sand the walls, plaster the bits that need plastering (lots), then prime, then paint, then put in floor boards. And maybe change those ugly fluorescent lights. All the while, I need to figure out a way to get rid of all the fucking furniture that at first seemed like a blessing and now is just a huge hindrance.

The inventory list is ridiculous.
1 tall boy
1 cabinet
2 large bookshelves
1 small bookshelf
2 bedside tables
1 L-shaped sofa
1 desk
1 office chair
1 dining table
4 chairs
1 television
1 bed
1 fridge
1 wooden box thing that the television rests on

Apart from the bed, the wooden box thing, the fridge, the tall boy and the bookshelf, I want to get rid of the rest. I should have listed these thing up on Gumtree earlier today so I don't have all these things clogging the way and making it difficult to renovate the place. There is also crockery and cutlery, a vacuum cleaner, a microwave, a fan, a heater and a toaster.

I have a vague idea of how I want it although it means throwing out all the furniture.

I'm also starting my new rotation this week. It's a Monday to Friday 8:30 to 5 job. Don't know how I'm going to get anything done. I'm excited but also really nervous.

Argh. This house thing is stressing me out.

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It's been five years [posted on February the 2nd]

Five years since I've been back to Taiwan and while it feels familiar, it's also a world away from how I live my life. I think it would be very fun if I came with some of my friends and we spent the day shopping and eating etc. At the same time, I'm so tired all the time that I feel like a total granny, wanting to go to sleep at 8pm.

I don't have any interest in clothes or shoes. Since I've arrived, I have mysteriously lost my appetite and eat tiny portions compared to what I normally eat. The thing I most looked forward to coming back to Taiwan was the food but now I can barely stand to look at it. I've only just stopped feeling bloated. Maybe it's because my mum has gained 18kg in three months and so I'm super conscious about not wanting to do the same. The food is good, it's just that while normally I would have allowed myself that last piece, now I decide to leave it alone. Going to the market with mum is kind of boring too because she's a vegetarian.

At least my granddad said that I had become pretty. He then promptly followed that up with "you used to be chubby". My uncle-in-law, who is either totally oblivious to his own rudeness or simply a bit of a jerk not only said that I looked old (ok, he said that I looked much older than my cousin, who is actually 2 yrs older than me), he also said "you must have a big appetite." He then turned to the aforementioned cousin, who hasn't been able to find a job for over a year, and asked "So...still unemployed?"

I've never liked this uncle. He used to treat me and my siblings like total idiots because he thought he couldn't speak any Mandarin.

Anyway. I had to suffer through about 20mins of looking at baby photos and thinking of ways to extract myself since it seemed that my cousin's Facebook feed would never end. We went on a car trip today to go to the mountain but since it's still Chinese New Year, there were too many people visiting the mountain that the police turned everyone around. We ended up going to Carrefour. Yesterday mum and I went to the Eslite complex to watch a film just so we could escape the apartment.

I know that I'm being antisocial, hiding in the bedroom while everyone is in the living room. My aunt and cousins just came back from some Ice Sculpture exhibition thing (which they invited me to but ... hell no) and are making it seem like the most exciting thing to have ever happened. They seem to be able to make a huge deal out of everything. For example, someone bought new slippers for granddad but the soles were a bit uneven and he found it difficult to walk in -- this turned into a twenty minute discussion about exactly how they were improperly made, what could be done, who was going to fix them, whether or not the repair would work, and so on. I felt like blowing my brains out.

My siblings and I have never been very social people in begin with. We were the kids who had to be dragged out to greet people and then scampered away to hide in our bedrooms. Therefore this kind of supersocial situation is just awkward for me. Our family owns all three apartments on this floor, and the apartments are connected by this front foyer section. The front doors tend to be left open and everyone congregates in granddad's apartment (actually my dad's), since it's the biggest. The other two house my cousins and their wives (and baby), but my aunt (and two cousins) are also visiting. I'm kind of surprised that my uncle (dad's older brother)'s family hasn't come.

I'm so tired. I'm also still waiting for my Red Packet. Mum said that she'll just transfer it into my bank account. Thank God none of my nieces and nephews are old enough to start asking for Red Packets.

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[posted on January the 29th]
Plus, I can't be entirely sure I remember what he looks like and it's stressing me out. Getting drunk isn't going to help at all because then I'll just feel really ill and need to at least make it home at an early hour because I've got work in the morning. It's been non-stop mornings at work. I received my clinical appraisal from Mei, my preceptor who said nice things about me but pretty much everyone says nice things and gives the same spiel about being happy to have you back...and I know that's all lip service. Still considering applying for the Norfolk terrace job, although doing so pretty much seals my fate as a mental health nurse. Maybe it won't be so bad.

Where the hell is this dude. And before mobile phones what did people do to pass the time while they were waiting for others? This is beginning to feel really awkward. And I feel like a dickhead.

But in better news, I received a call from the bank today. The loan has been approved! I'm now in a bunch of debt! It's so exciting!

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[posted on January the 29th]
I'm on a date. Well. Waiting for this guy to show up. One of my colleagues has set me up with his friend. It's not a total blind date in that my colleague showed me a photograph of Facebook but I don't think he knows what I look like, so it could be really awkward.

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Better get better [posted on December the 25th]
I had a sneak peek at the postgrad rotations for next year and I didn't get anything that I wanted. Mid west CCU. Northern inpatient. My third choices. Maybe I should have gone with four month rotations instead. Bummed about that.

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[posted on December the 25th]
Things are moving much too fast at the moment. My offer on the apartment was accepted. If the bank approves my loan (and I'll find out by the 10th of January), I'll be a homeowner. And a quarter of a million dollars in debt for the next 20 years. My solicitor is on holiday so I had to rush to get a new one to go over the contract, then start the application with the bank, and get the deposit ready to go for Friday. I could potentially start moving in by the end of January. Holy shit. I might actually own a fucking house. It was just a joke earlier this year, saying that I wanted to buy a house as a Christmas present and it actually happened.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all. I have shortbread baking in the oven. The fudge turned out way too soft and sickly sweet. Figs are too expensive to buy. And I'm working this afternoon. Yaaaaaaay.

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So now I'm an adult? [posted on December the 23rd]
I've put in an offer. Actually put in a real offer on a real apartment with legally binding implications and everything, meaning if this goes through I will be massively in debt for the next 20 years. It's kind of terrifying yet I felt so calm when I did it. Then felt sick on the tram ride. But my GenKill DVD arrived today so I'll have the entire day to not think about it too much.

Also have to buy another gift for Kris Kringle. Argh.

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